What to Do if Your Teen is Drinking: A Plan for Parents

Your teen just sent you a text asking for a ride home, and right away after picking them up you notice something feels…off. Maybe you smell alcohol on their breath. Maybe their speech sounds different. Whatever tipped you off, realizing your teen has been drinking can bring up a mix of emotions. You may feel angry, scared, disappointed, or unsure of what to do next. Your first instinct may be to confront them immediately, listing consequences or handing out punishments.

But how you respond in those first few moments matters. If you’re wondering what to do if your teen is drinking, start by making sure they’re safe. From there, you can have a calm conversation about what occurred, establish appropriate consequences, and determine what needs to happen next.

First, Get Them Home Safe

Whether you got a phone call from another parent, one of your teen’s friends, or your teen directly, your first priority is to make sure your teen gets home safe and sound. If they’ve been drinking, don’t allow them to drive home or ride with someone else who may have been drinking. Pick them up yourself, ask another trusted adult to bring them home, or arrange another safe form of transportation.

And while you may have plenty you want to say when you see them, the ride home isn’t the time for a bigger conversation. If your teen is under the influence—and you’re upset about what happened—focus on getting everyone home safely first. You can talk about their choices and any consequences, the next day, when they’re sober and you’ve had time to calm down.

After your teen is home, pay attention to how they’re acting and how intoxicated they appear. If they’re showing signs of possible alcohol poisoning, such as confusion, vomiting, seizures, irregular breathing, or trouble staying conscious, seek medical attention immediately. Never assume they only need to “sleep it off.”

Once you know your teen is safe, you can turn your attention to what happened.

Have a Calm Conversation

Your teen is home safe and sound. Now, wait for them to sober up before having a serious conversation about what happened the night before. Remember, timing matters as much as what you say. While you may still feel angry, worried, or disappointed, approaching the conversation calmly can make it easier for your teen to be honest with you rather than immediately becoming defensive.

Start by giving your teen an opportunity to explain the situation in their own words. Ask them open-ended questions such as:

• “Can you tell me what happened?”
• “Where did the alcohol come from?”
• “Who were you with?”
• “What made you decide to drink?”
• “How do you feel about what happened?”

As difficult as it may be, try to listen without interrupting or immediately correcting their answers. You aren’t excusing their behavior by hearing them out. You’re simply gathering information that can help you understand what led to the decision and determine how best to respond.

After listening to their thoughts, share your concerns and expectations. Be sure to skip humiliation, accusations, sarcasm, and threats. Scare tactics and shame tend to backfire, pushing teens to hide things rather than change their behavior. Staying calm and avoiding blame signals to your teen that they can come to you when they need help, which is exactly what you want.

What Are Appropriate Consequences for Teen Drinking?

After you understand what happened, it’s reasonable to establish consequences for your teen’s decision to drink. However, the goal shouldn’t be to simply punish them. Effective teen drinking consequences should reinforce your family’s expectations, encourage accountability, and help your teen make safer choices in the future.

Whenever possible, connect the consequence to what happened. For example, if your teen drank at a party after telling you they were going somewhere else, temporarily limiting social activities may be the best way to rebuild trust. If they drove after drinking or got into a car with someone who had been drinking, temporarily restricting their driving privileges may be an appropriate consequence.

Before deciding on a punishment for teenage drinking, consider:

• Is it related to what happened? The consequence should have a clear connection to the behavior or the rule that was broken.
• Is it reasonable? Avoid laying out sweeping punishments in the heat of the moment that may be difficult to enforce later.
• Does your teen understand why? Explain the connection between their decision and the consequence rather than simply saying, “Because I said so.”
• Does it leave room to rebuild trust? Give your teen a clear understanding of what they can do to earn back privileges.

Once you’ve addressed what happened, look ahead. Make sure your teen understands your expectations around alcohol—and what they can do differently the next time they’re faced with the choice to drink.

Make a Plan for Next Time

You can’t control everything that happens at every social activity your teen attends, but you can help them make safer, healthier choices. Instead of focusing solely on what they shouldn’t do, talk about what they can do differently the next time they’re faced with alcohol.

Ask questions like:

• “What could you say if someone offers you a drink again?”
• “What would you do if your ride home started drinking?”
• “Who could you call if you needed to leave?”
• “How could you handle that situation differently next time?”

Make your expectations around underage drinking clear but also give your teen a way to ask for help. Let them know they can always call you or another trusted adult if they need a safe ride home. Also consider establishing an X-Plan—a code word, letter, or emoji your teen can text when they need help getting out of an uncomfortable situation.

Holding your teen accountable for drinking and making sure they feel comfortable calling you for help aren’t mutually exclusive. They should understand that there may be consequences for breaking your family’s rules, but getting home safely will always come first.

Does Teen Drinking Mean There Is a Bigger Problem?

Catching your teen drinking doesn’t necessarily mean they have a larger problem with alcohol. However, what you learn from conversation—and what you notice afterward—can help you determine whether the incident deserves closer attention.

Some warning signs to watch for:

• Sudden mood changes, irritability, or anger
• Slipping grades or problems at school
• Changes in friend groups
• Withdrawing from activities they previously enjoyed
• Noticeable changes in personal care
• Low energy or a “nothing matters” attitude
• Memory lapses or trouble concentrating
• Finding alcohol among their things
• Alcohol on their breath, slurred speech, or coordination problems

If you’re seeing a pattern or are concerned about your teen’s alcohol use, you don’t have to figure out the next step on your own. Several state and national resources can help you find information, support, and treatment services:

• SAMHSA’s National Helpline: Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for free, confidential, 24-hour information and treatment referrals.
• North Carolina Department of Health and Human Services: Find mental health and substance-use services available in your area through the state’s local behavioral health resources.
• Alcohol / Drug Council of North Carolina: Find substance-use resources and treatment providers throughout North Carolina.
• Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine: Explore substance-use resources specifically for adolescents and young adults.

Reaching out for support can help you better understand what your teen may need and what options are available.

One Mistake Doesn’t End the Conversation

Learning that your teen has been drinking can be upsetting, but what happens next matters greatly. Responding calmly doesn’t mean ignoring their behavior, just as enforcing consequences doesn’t mean shutting down communication. You can hold your teen accountable while making it clear that they can still come to you when they need help.

Keep in mind this shouldn’t be the last time you talk about alcohol. Continue checking in with your teen about parties, friends, driving, peer pressure, and the situations they are encountering as they become more independent. The more comfortable these conversations become, the easier it is for your teen to talk to you before they find themselves in a difficult situation.

Talk it Out NC is here to help you keep the conversation going. Explore our resources to find conversation starters, alcohol facts, and practical tools you can use when talking with your teen about making safe, healthy choices.