Teenage Secrets: What’s Normal & When to Be Concerned

Published on: Jan 27, 2025

Revised on: Dec 23, 2025

If you’re the parent of a tween or teen, you’ve probably found yourself shaking your head and wondering, “How is my child growing up so quickly?” They seem to change more every day!    

Physical growth may cause your “little one” to tower above you, and emotional changes can turn your once-chatty child into an uncommunicative teenager. But just as physical growth is a natural part of your child’s development, so too is their longing for more independence and privacy, and that may cause them to share less with you than before.   

However, while it’s normal for teens to begin keeping some things to themselves, it’s also important for parents to understand when privacy shifts from healthy independence to signs they may need more support. Let’s examine which kinds of secretive behavior from teens are part of healthy development and which may signal it’s time to check in and reconnect.  

Why do teens keep secrets?

Adolescents begin forming their own identities as they grow toward adulthood. They become more self-reliant and don’t feel the need to share every detail of their lives with their parents. That’s usually a good thing. After all, raising a child who becomes an independent and well-adjusted adult is the goal of every parent. Here are some common (and completely normal) behaviors you might see from your teen:  

• Wanting more personal space: Most teens spend a lot of time alone in their rooms. They may be listening to music, playing video games with friends, studying for a big test, or just taking a break from the very real pressures of being a teenager.   
• Having private conversations: Don’t be surprised if your teen prefers to talk with friends in private and doesn’t want to give you free access to their social media accounts. Loyalty among friends is especially important to teens, so they don’t want to have a parent within earshot or looking over their shoulder during a discussion about private matters.  
• Sharing fewer details: When your child was younger, they may have shared every detail of their school day with you. Now they’d rather talk with their friends, if they feel like talking at all. Since they’re beginning to form their own opinions, they may resist expressing their thoughts because they fear judgment.  

When should I be concerned? 

While some secrecy is nothing to worry about, patterns of withdrawal or sudden changes in behavior can sometimes be a signal that your teen is going through something challenging. Watch for shifts such as: 

• Drastic shifts in behavior: A sudden drop in grades, noticeable withdrawal from activities they once enjoyed, or big changes in their sleep schedule or energy levels can indicate your teen is feeling overwhelmed.  
• Physical or emotional changes: Changes in appetite, declining hygiene, or signs of anxiety and fatigue may suggest your teen is struggling and could use additional support.  
• Avoiding basic questions: If your teen persistently dodges questions about their day, it may mean they are unsure of how to talk about whatever is going on.  
• Concerns about risky behavior: If you’ve noticed hints that alcohol may be involved—such as stories that don’t add up, unexplained absences, or new friend groups—it’s worth starting a gentle, honest conversation. 

Steps to take if you’re worried

If the teenage secrets in your house seem to be beyond what’s normal, here are some tips for managing teen conflict:  

• Stay calm: Don’t assume the worst. Using a calm tone creates safety and keeps the conversation open and honest. A calm demeanor also allows you to turn potential arguments into lessons. 
• Listen more than you speak: Teens tend to be more honest when they don’t feel like they are being interrogated.  
• Ask open-ended questions: Ask your teen something like “How have you been feeling about school lately?” Open-ended questions will help you get more information from your teen.  
• Validate their feelings: Even if you disagree with what your teen tells you, acknowledging their emotions helps you build a more trusting relationship. 
• Seek professional help: A counselor, therapist, or healthcare provider can offer guidance if your teen is struggling and needs additional support.  

Supporting Your Teen When Alcohol May Be Involved 

If secrecy is paired with concerns about underage drinking, you can approach it as an opportunity to teach through challenges instead of confrontation. Help your teen learn from their mistakes. Unsure of where to start? Here are a few strategies:  

• Focus the conversation on their safety and well-being. 
• Reassure them that they can always come to you—even when they’re scared or unsure. 
• Talk about healthy coping strategies for stress, friendships, and pressure.

Consider guiding them toward positive alternatives to drinking. Introduce them to new hobbies, creative interests, sports, or volunteer work. By working with your teen, you’ll naturally help them reduce tendencies towards risky behavior.  

Start the Conversation

Whether your teen is simply craving more privacy or struggling to talk about what’s going on, staying connected is one of the most powerful ways to help them navigate adolescence confidently. Developing a line of open and honest communication can lead to them trusting you when they are dealing with serious stressors and pressures. Our resources will help you start the conversation today!